I am so angry at myself right now. So angry, that I spent a decent amount of time crying, and would not be at all surprised if I cry again while writing this.
Procrastination has always been a strong habit of mine, and it’s one that I have been working pretty hard to break. I’ve done really well this past semester with meeting my deadlines (I was late ONCE and my professor very graciously extended it), but sometimes it still rears its ugly little head. Fall semester-well, this one in particular, was extra important because this was the semester when I would FINALLY be applying to four year universities for transfer. I had three picked out, one of which I submitted a transfer guarantee-basically I was a shoo-in for it if I submitted this application. The deadline for application to most of the UC’s was extended. Did I have all of my stuff done before the extension deadline? Well, just about-the only thing I had to work on was my “personal insight” questions. It was a set of four questions total that we had to answer. I knew that I should have been working on them sooner. I kept putting it off. Oh, I’ll have plenty of time…the deadline isn’t until January now, so it’s cool. Christmas hit, and I was so busy with all of that, and family and friends visiting, and all of that stuff that I kept putting it off. Wrapping gifts and having fun with everyone just sounded so much better.
Fast forward to last night: I knew that the deadline was today. I was REALLY going to work on my stuff last night. But then I decided that I knew that I could get it done today if I really buckled down, and so I settled for watching old episodes of Sex and the City. Overconfidence strikes again.
Tonight: Two hours before the deadline, and I’m cruising along, take a ten minute (if that) break, and I’m happily crafting answers for my questions. I’m on the last question, and I look at the time. 11:50. Crap. Ten minutes. I have ten minutes to finish this and review everything to make sure I have it. 11:59. 12:00. 12:01. I finish the questions, copy, paste, submit…and two sections on my application are incomplete. Hmm…that’s weird, because they were complete before. The box that was checked for the university I was applying to is now unchecked. I go to click it, and I can’t. “This campus is closed to your level.” It is now 12:04. I’ve missed the deadline by four minutes, and now I can’t submit the application.
Tears hit. Angry, disappointed tears. I had no one to blame but myself. I knew when the deadline was, and I was the one who put it off. I was mad at myself for waiting. I was ashamed, because now when I tell people what schools I’m applying to (many who already knew that I was applying to that school), I’m now going to have to tell them that I screwed up and “no, I’m not applying there because I missed the application deadline by four minutes.” You’d think I have learned not to procrastinate in all my 33 years of living, but no. I’ve already been accepted to one school, and this other school that I was applying to was never one that I had really had a desire to attend…but the fact that it was no longer an option upset me. I am applying to one more school, and then I’m done. The overachiever in me is saying that isn’t good enough, I should apply to 3, or even 4 schools, just to see where I can get accepted. And then I became angry because I always push myself so hard that I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I’m sure a lot of that stems from the abuse, but it’s stuck with me.
I tried not to be upset, and I had my good cry about it. I eventually got some peace when I just gave it to God and prayed for guidance about which path I need to take. I guess I wasn’t meant to go to that school for a reason.
And I need to stop procrastinating.